FIC: "I love you, John Sheppard?" RPS, David H./Joe F. FRT 1/1

[helenkacan]

TITLE: "I Love You, John Sheppard?"
AUTHOR: helenkacan / Helena K.
RATING: FRT/PG13 (m/m kissing)
PAIRING: David H/Joe F (Rodney/John implied)
SUMMARY: What really happened in Season 4 ... behind the scenes.
WORD COUNT: 3,162
DEDICATION: To the two fabulous actors who have made Rodney and John who they really are – real in the eyes (and, um, obsessions) of all their fans.
TIMELINE: Takes place during ShoreLeave 2008 (with additional details supplied by The Flan during Comic Con 2008, talking about filming of S4); other info gathered from A Dog's Breakfast, a spoiler for S5x03 and DH's role in Century Hotel.
NOTE: "Speech"
Emphasis in thought or speech
STYLE NOTE: Written in first person, David's POV
DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. DUH. I have the utmost respect and admiration for David Hewlett and Joe Flanigan. There is NO partner betrayal implied. It's only about the art and craft of acting. [And sub-text that I have fictitiously attributed to the actors.] The actors belong to themselves and to their respective families. The characters of Rodney and John – and SGA in general - belong to a whole bunch of alphabetical entities. I know the Polish alphabet. Not the same thing. Not for profit, just fun.
FEEDBACK: Yes, I'm a big girl. I can take it. And, no, I don't think this merits the special hell, either.
DISTRIBUTION: Posted to my LJ and cross-posted to sga_rps.



I cringe, feeling exposed on stage. I can't see her clearly, but her voice is echoing through my skull. Her request, it sounds like a demand. I should have expected it – be used to it - by now. But it's been my secret ... no, wait ... Rodney's secret. Not something for the whole world to hear.

But, hey, I'm at a con and it's up to me to give the fans what they want. Within reason. So I screw up my face and repeat, "I love you, John Sheppard?" Yes, I ended it as a question; I'm not about to shout it out with the kind of bravado that Joe uses. It's enough that he does it so often. On the set, of course.

Anyway, I stumble through the rest of the Q&A until I can escape, except there's nowhere I can go to be in my own head. After all, Jane and Baz and Kate are here with me. Maybe later, if I say I want to take a bath. Mmmmm. Can't beat a hot bath.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

So, I've finally got some me time. Kate's off being her usual charming self and Jane is putting Baz to bed. Well, trying to. It's been a lot of travel for the little guy. It's not every day a kid gets to be the centre of attention at his parents' wedding. Lucky dog. Oops, sorry we couldn't bring you, too, Mars. Quarantine, you know?

But ... ahhhhh ... a hot bath feels so good.

Anyway, getting back to the whole I love you thing.

I can't believe it's been over a year. But I still remember when we started shooting Season 4. And we had to start off with a weird little ep with an alien crystal entity. Doppelganger. Oh, look, it's infected Sheppard. Let's all have nightmares. But Rodney got to be the hero, so that was great. And I got the message that Goldsmith was going to score really neat music for the steps.

Still, it was tough shooting. Getting back into the rhythm of television. But a lot less hectic than trying to get a movie out.

So, when it was a wrap and we broke from the set, Joe rushed off to his trailer. I didn't know if anything was wrong, but figured I'd stop by to check. I turned back to some of the stragglers who wanted to know if I'd join them. You know, drinks, at our regular hangout. I waved my hand at them in a non-committal manner, meaning Whatever ... catch you guys later.

I knocked on Joe's door and walked in. He'd already stripped out of his uniform top and had a towel around his neck. He really did look like a wreck. Well, he'd had more than twice the work. Doing a lot of his own stunts, including the ones that didn't work properly. Ouch. Re-shooting scenes twice to face his evil twin self. All I had to do at the end was walk down the steps and look determined and menacing. Although getting soaked is never fun.

"Hey," I'd said.

Joe just nodded in return, too wiped to speak. He opened his fridge and removed a couple bottles of water, tossing me one.

Then, he flung himself down onto the soft, battered couch and patted the seat with his right hand. Even though I wanted nothing more than to get out of my itchy costume – and it doesn't matter how much they try to improve them each year – I could sit for a few.

Joe took a deep gulp from his bottle, then just twirled it between his palms. I drank a bit, too, then leaned back, resting my head.

I looked over at him. He looked better; the water had helped. "You joining the gang for drinks?"

His voice dragged out, even longer than usual. "Nah, not tonight. I've got an early flight out in the morning and I don't want to be hungover."

He had a point there. Our drinking bashes were fierce. "Do you want me to leave, so you can get some rest?"

"No, it's okay. I wouldn't mind winding down. 'Sides, company's good."

I didn't know how to take that. "Uh ... thanks." I hid my unease by finishing the bottle of water.

Joe's fingers were in my face, waggling, so I passed the empty back to him; he tossed it easily into the wastebasket in the corner. With one last gulp of his bottle, it followed the first.

We were both leaning back, our heads mirror images, facing each other. His breathing was slowing down. I was still wondering how the storyline had affected him. Yes, yes, it's only acting and it's a job – but you never know when something in the script will throw you. Yeah, thanks for those interesting dreams, Vincenzo.

Whoa. I'd drifted off. Joe's lips were moving. "... any development plans for Season 4?"

"No. I thought I'd coast this year. But I haven't stopped nagging the suits about what I'd really like."

"Which would be ...?"

"My very own bathtub! In my quarters, of course."

"Geeze, what is it about you and bathtubs? Every time I turn around, you're taking a bath or pushing your bare ass at the camera?"

I sputtered. "You've ... you've been watching my stuff?"

Joe laughed. "And your work, too."

There it was again. I was picking up a weird vibe from Joe. "Thanks, I guess."

"Oh, don't thank me. You get a lot of fun out of some of your roles, at least the ones that aren't wacko crazy. And I like to know what my co-stars have been up to. Like getting Paul into a dress. And those boobs just screamed fake all the way."

Okay, he'd been watching me. I didn't know how to take that. So, I played for time with a bit of deflection. "Uh, what about you? Have you been pushing for anything?"

Joe grinned. "Yup. Presented a story idea and I think they're going to develop it in the second half of the season."

I grinned back at him. "Hey, that's terrific."

Joe drawled out another "Yeah" and then was silent.

I was looking at him and he was looking at me. I don't know what – if anything – he expected of me, but I got the feeling he was waiting for something to happen before he said anything else.

Unfortunately, we both began to speak at the same time. My "Are you okay, really" got tangled with his "I've been thinking" and we both stopped and said, "What did you say?"

This time he was faster to react. "I've been thinking ... about the infirmary scene." Joe closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them, still staring at me. I didn't know what he was looking for – well I do, now – but I guess he saw openness and encouragement, so he continued. "The way we looked at each other ... and seemed to be reaching out."

I just kept staring at him. I didn't know what point he was trying to make. But I thought I'd better prod him. "And...?"

Joe seemed ready to continue. "It just reminded me of the scene you did in Century Hotel. You know, between you and...." His voice trailed off.

I picked up the thread easily. "Me and Joel."

"Yeah. Just with more distance between us and an OR full of other people."

I gulped, but still blurted out, "Not like right now, just the two of us."

He nodded. "No. Now is pretty close to what they looked like in bed."

I reached up and scratched the back of my neck. Damn shirt ... itched, especially after a long day on the set. Frustrated, I had to pull it off, leaving me in my sweaty tee-shirt. "Uh ... sorry, but the shirt's been driving me nuts all day."

Joe passed me the towel from around his neck. "You can take that off, too, and dry off a bit."

I eyed him warily. "Is this your corny way to try some funny stuff?"

Joe shook his head. "No. No. I just want you to relax so we can talk some more ... and it's hard to concentrate when you're squirming. That just reminds me more of McKay."

After pulling off the tee with too clumsy fingers, I dried myself off and then threw the towel onto the floor. Hey, it was Joe's trailer; he could pick it up.

I eased myself back into this weird conversation we were having. "So ... you think that McKay and Sheppard are like Michael and Danny?" I gave him a patented X-ray McKay look, not quite a glare, but still penetrating.

Joe shrugged. "Nah. But they could be eventually. I like to look beyond the script and see what's prickling my brain, if something that nobody's talking about could actually be there. Hidden."

I added, "Subversive."

He nodded his head. "Right."

I waved my hand. "Only you."

Oh, no. There was his aw shucks look which usually worked very well for his Sheppard persona. "Well, I may have had a little inspiration."

I stabbed my fingers in his chest. "I knew it! You've been reading fan fiction."

Joe arched his left brow and looked pointedly at my hand that was still in the vicinity of his chest. I withdrew my hand and let it drop back onto my thigh.

"With our schedule? When would I find the time? No, it's something much simpler. I've been looking at fanart. Of the two of us. Some of it is just porn, but I'm not interested in that. A lot of it is just so badly done, sticking our heads onto buff bodies."

"So, what do you look at?" I couldn't help it. I was curious. I'm an actor. I want to know how people see me.

Joe reached over to snag the laptop from the side table. He called up a site. I wasn't paying attention. Besides, I could always get the info later. Although why I would want to, I don't know. He pointed to one. We were both younger in it, lying on a couch, him behind me. That one was okay. It looked ... cozy. There were more. Not all of them as good. But, then, he stopped at one. What could I say? I was stunned. It showed the two of us asleep, me with my face on his chest. We both looked so peaceful, as if whatever the Pegasus Galaxy threw at John and Rodney on a regular basis couldn't shake their reliance on each other, their ... love for one another. Nothing porny about it. Just his face and upper body and my head and one shoulder.

My voice was shaky. "So, you've been looking at these and imagining...."

"That John and Rodney have real feelings for one another, beyond friends or teammates."

"That's a big jump." I wasn't really protesting, just stating a point.

Joe put the laptop back on the table. He hadn't bothered closing the file. "Well," he drawled, "You know I like to push things, see how far I can take something."

Yeah. Joe got away with some quirky things that survived the final cut. I knew I should expect more of that.

"So, you think we should both push this thing?"

Joe scrunched up his face. "Only a bit, like when one of us thinks the other's died. Something big."

"Then the director wouldn't necessarily object to it?" Yes, I was being technical.

He nodded. "You've got the right idea. So, you want to try it out?"

I looked startled. "What?"

Joe talked even more slowly than usual. "I thought we should ... kiss. Get used to the idea."

Joe, wanting to kiss me. No. Sheppard, wanting to kiss McKay. It didn't matter how I looked at it, I wasn't expecting this. "Are you sure everything's okay at home? You didn't have a fight with Katherine, did you?"

Joe laughed, a bright, reassuring sound. "Everything's fine. Why do you think I'm getting that early flight out? I miss Kath and the kids."

"But you want to kiss me?"

"Yes, I think we should kiss. Then you can wrap that big brain of yours around how McKay will act around Sheppard from now on."

"So, how do you want to do it?"

Joe stood up. "Get up. Let's redo the Michael and Danny kiss."

Okay, I could do that. That was easy. Looking at the guy and kissing him three or four times. "But there is no way you are slapping my bare ass!"

Joe laughed again, pulling me up off the couch. "Only if you're late on set because you're still pulling up your pants. Now, concentrate."

I closed my eyes for a moment, then opened them. I wasn't quite Michael, but I certainly wasn't David. It was up to Joe to make the first move ... as Danny. I looked at him with bright eyes, full of happiness and love, remembering how relieved I was that he had come back to me safely from the war.

Joe leaned into me slowly and his hand went to my neck. I shivered when he touched me. I knew neither of us smelled good (ripe would be more appropriate), but we were busy, capturing a moment. He licked his lower lip. Not in the original script, but I was hooked. Closer ... almost there ... I could feel his breaths, shallow and rapid, as if kissing me was something he was having second thoughts about. Or just nerves.

So, even before our lips touched, my hands were on his shoulders and I was whispering, shushing and soothing him.

The first kiss was barely that, just a chaste press of mine against his.

And then instinct took over. There's something amazing about kissing a man. Larger, fuller mouth. Sturdy face. The scraping hint of stubble. In this case, almost the same height. So my hands clutched his shoulders, pulling him to me, as I tried to devour his mouth, swallowing his gasps. He wanted Michael? He was getting Michael. I tasted what he'd eaten at the break. It didn't matter. None of it mattered. My lover was home from the war and we would be ... well, not exactly together, but as together as we could be sixty-odd years ago, hiding our love behind a woman's skirt.

I pressed his body against the couch, so he had no option but to sprawl back down, with me falling almost on top of him. I was desperate to hold onto him, as if I were channeling Michael's despair after the bust. If I didn't stop kissing him, then we were still together.

Amazingly, Joe was keeping up with me, one hand still around my neck, the other spread, a steady heat across my back, as if unwilling to let me go. I felt safe, secure and let my mouth relax. We didn't stop kissing, but it was more nibbles and licks than a battle of tongues and teeth.

When our lips stilled, I raised my head and looked into his face. Joe looked a little flushed – I'm sure I had a red face and my ears were burning – but he whispered, "I love you, Dr. Rodney McKay."

I whispered back at him, "I love you, John Sheppard." And, then, for a time shorter than a heartbeat, longer than a lifetime, I slid down his body and dropped my head onto his chest, so that we were the Rodney and John in the picture. My face was pillowed on his chest, the dark hairs matted with sweat. So, yeah, more realistic than the artist's squeaky clean version. And it became real for me. As real as the tight nipple dipping into my cheek, the hair tickling my nose. Rodney McKay loved John Sheppard. There was no question in my mind. Not any longer.

And, if certain parts of my body happened to get a little interested, it wasn't my concern. Those were Rodney's reactions, not mine. Still, it was time to put a stop to things, before either of us got carried away with our characters' ... intentions.

I lifted my head slowly, not wanting the mood to shatter. "So...."

Joe's body wriggled underneath me. "Yeah."

I moved off the couch, as he levered himself back into a sitting position, dragging one hand through his unruly hair.

I snagged my top and struggled into it, then picked up the discarded tee and balled it up into a slightly less disgusting lump. "I guess I'll be going. You should get some sleep."

Joe yawned openly. "I guess. What about you?"

I knew I was in no mood for casual company, so drinking was out. They'd probably be more than halfway to pickled by now. "Um, I think I'll grab a shower and a nap before heading out. I'll see you at the next shoot."

"Sure thing. Just remember," and Joe's voice dropped down to a whisper, "I love you, Dr. Rodney McKay."

I replied, equally softly, "I'll remember."

We never had a meeting like that again. We never kissed again. There was no need. But it was still a shock – every single time - when Joe would shout out on the set, just before a director was about to start shooting, "I love you, Dr. Rodney McKay." I would look up, startled, and wouldn't say anything. But, when I got the chance to turn my head, brush my mouth against my shoulder or hand, I would mouth the words silently, "I love you, John Sheppard."

As the season progressed, Joe and I found several opportunities to test his theory.
When Sheppard refused to allow McKay to sacrifice himself to feed the Wraith.
When the duplicate Sheppard said, "My McKay."
Sheppard's unexpected reaction upon seeing the ring.
McKay, appalled that he'd most likely killed Sheppard by venting the atmosphere.

For me, the ultimate was seeing McKay devote the rest of his life to a single obsessive purpose: change the time-line so that Sheppard would be alive.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Season 5 seems to be going well. And I got my bath. Though Sheppard doesn't want to take one with McKay. Don't look at me! I had nothing to do with that line in the script. Unless Joe's got some voodoo thing going on with the writers. But I think it was just a coincidence – or a dream come true for McSheppers everywhere. I may not read fanfic, but I do know the buzzwords.

Well, I guess I'm relaxed enough. Time to get out of this bath, forget about the Q&A or any little secrets that should stay on the set. Because, even though it's acting, it's only a job. Real life, my wife, my son, they're in the next room – and Baz loves it when Daddy makes silly faces at him.

END