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TITLE: "Rescuing Rodney" – Part 1 of 2
AUTHOR: Helena K.
RATING: FRM-R (mild)
PAIRING: Rodney/John
DEDICATION: To McSheppers everywhere, all the time.
TOTAL WORD COUNT: 10,506 (split into two parts)
WARNING: Despite the despair, there is a happy ending.
SUMMARY: Rodney's not quite all there because of an accident with – what else – Ancient tech. John can't really do anything for him but wait. During the waiting comes the despair, writing and hoping.
TIMELINE: Anytime during S4, but definitely after Quarantine. AU because ... hello S5. And, yes, even though I know The Shrine was on a couple days ago and I used one line from it, I started writing this during S4, so I really wanted to finish this (especially in light of the proclamation). Also, originally, this was intended to be much longer and John was feeling much more angst to the extent that certain days in the Journal would have only had a one word entry. Yes, you guessed it: Fuck.
NOTE: "Speech"
All action outside of written text in John's Journal which is unbolded
Emphasis in John's Journal only
Emphasis in thought or speech, outside of the Journal
//Thought//
LANGUAGE CHOICE: As this is basically John's POV, I used American spelling.
DISCLAIMER: The characters belong to a whole bunch of alphabetical entities. I know the Polish alphabet. Not the same thing. Not for profit, just fun. Besides, I'm just an old geezer. Not the desired demographic. ::sneers at TPTB::
FEEDBACK: Makes me happy. Makes me giddy. Makes me silly (er, more silly). Makes me write more (well, my pain always tells the writing to go away, so you need to overwhelm its negativity; just saying...).
DISTRIBUTION: Posted to my LJ and![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
mckay_sheppard; anybody else, please ask.
ARCHIVE: Wraithbait
John stared bleakly with bleary eyes at the blinking cursor on the screen, the heading mocking him, forcing him to remember the events of the last two, now three, days. He hated this, but knew he had to record what had transpired so that, if the unthinkable happened and Rodney was not returned to him whole, there would be a record of Rodney's condition. He hated that word. //Condition. Sounds like a mild case of jock itch.// Instead, it was something too devastating to consider.
He hated the fact that it was he who had to do this ... but there was no one closer to Rodney in this galaxy or back on Earth. Although John had never had much fondness for shrinks, he was relieved that one of Heightmeyer's decisions before her death was to insist that everyone had, if not a personal laptop for use unrelated to their work, at least access to a computer. So people could let off steam by writing, keeping a journal, or exchanging really awful jokes via private e-mail accounts. Password protected, with no hacking on the honor system. Amazingly enough, it worked because people felt so cut off from Earth and something that was such a normal Earth activity like this had given them a sense of nostalgia.
John had never been one for expressing his feelings but having a blank screen staring back at him was worlds away from allowing a trained professional to evaluate his responses. //Or lack of them.//
He sighed and began to write.
Day 0 minus 2
I don't know why this had to happen to us ... to Rodney, now. Things were finally good between us, after so many false starts. Don't ask me why it took us both nearly dying (again) to open our eyes to what we really meant to each other. Yeah, I know. Even the smartest man in two galaxies didn't get it at first, so why should I be any better.
It also helped that many of the other civilian and military personnel from all those other countries ganged up on Sam (don't even want to mention Woolsey who'd just about had a coronary) and said that it was idiotic (well, that wasn't exactly the word some of the more outspoken ones had used) to have personal restrictions apply to the U.S. military members of Atlantis.
Even the military was now being replaced by fresh stock from a few more countries. Good thing that Jack had been on our side (okay, neutral) when he'd just shrugged and said it was a joint operation technically under civilian rule, even though I'm not sure whose side Carter's on these days. And I'll say it again: glad I'm not in her shoes.
Would you believe that Rodney had nothing to do with it. Well, we all know that he's not the most team-minded player in the city. But the other Canadians (thanks, Chuck), the Brits and those from other countries who'd finally changed their countries' laws regarding same-sex relationships (not to mention the big M word) got the ball rolling.
The guys back home couldn't mount a working defense. We weren't in their face. Hell, we were in another galaxy! By the time we got home (even if we actually wanted to), things might have changed for the better anyway. Or else it would be a problem for a new administration. We didn't care as long as we could be together.
When I told Rodney we should get bigger quarters ... together, he got all shy on me. By then, so many other couples put in their bids and I told him if we didn't get our asses in gear there wouldn't be any left. Well, you know Rodney. He hates to miss out on getting something good that he feels he deserves over anyone else. Besides, he didn't feel so self-conscious when he saw some of the other couples who'd come out of the closet. No, I'm not mentioning any names but everybody knows who they are. And we got a new bed. A really, really big bed so my feet didn't stick out over the edge. I think Rodney arranged that. Because we'd gotten tired of being squished together whenever he ... stayed over.
Okay, I'm getting off track here. Back to two days ago. Rodney was in a new lab. You'd think we'd have already discovered all of them, but nooooo. I wish I'd been there, because I might have talked him out of testing the gizmo. None of his scientists tried hard enough. But I can't blame them. Much. I got there as soon as I was summoned. He was still lying on the floor, looking dazed. At least he was alive and conscious. But, when he looked up at me, he didn't even fucking recognize me. Nada.
I didn't have too much time to think about me when Keller showed up and her team whisked him off to the Infirmary. I followed them to the doors where access was denied. They told me they'd call me. He was alive and I didn't need to sit watch by his bed.
So I came back here and quietly went nuts. It didn't help, being surrounded by the best and worst of Rodney. His degrees, a couple of scientific journals, the DVD we were going to watch and the ... bed. Also his dirty socks pulled off the night before and tossed carelessly in the corner. I picked them up and sniffed them. All I could think of was Rodney, Rodney, Rodney.
I couldn't take it any more. I knew I wouldn't be welcome in the Infirmary, so I got out and went for a run. A very long run. I stopped as my radio came to life. It was Keller. She called me John. Not Colonel, but John. I turned around immediately and raced back, not caring that I was winded and dripping with sweat. She had some test results and I wasn't about to not see them just because I needed a shower.
When I got there, I could hear Rodney talking to some of the nurses. He didn't sound agitated, he actually sounded polite. He was addressing them by name, Marie for one, so it couldn't be that he'd suffered any permanent amnesia. Fuck, was I wrong about that!
Keller motioned me over before I could get to his bed. I was so impatient with her, but acknowledged her authority in the Infirmary.
"John." Damn it, she was still calling me John.
"John, I've taken some scans and there are some noticeably unusual results."
I nearly growled in my impatience. "And...."
"And he's suffered an unusual type of amnesia."
I couldn't get what she was talking about. He sounded fine to me. "Hey, doc, I hear him talking back there and he sounds okay to me."
Keller motioned for me to sit down. She did as well. "Please, John, let me explain. You've heard about various parts of the brain and their often specific functions?"
I was starting to get pissed off. "Yeah, doc. Get to the point."
Sorry I can't transcribe the rest of what she said, because it still doesn't make any sense to me, days later. It turns out that there was a partial amnesia – that part was true; but what was forgotten was anything Rodney had learned or anyone he'd met with an emotional connotation attached. Rodney was still the smartest man in two galaxies. He still knew all the science. Apparently he also recognized everybody he'd seen so far ... just not me.
I didn't know whether I should be flattered or crushed. Because, if he didn't remember me now, it meant that, from the first moment he'd seen me, he'd formed an emotional attachment to me. Keller told me he'd even recognized Sam, so he'd only pretended to be attracted to Sam. Fuck. The guy loved me and this was the way the universe screwed him – us - over.
Keller told me I could spend a few minutes with him, but I just couldn't. Couldn't stand to look at him with such pain in my eyes when I was a stranger in his. She said they'd keep him overnight for more observation. And then I fled.
I didn't get far. Sam was trying to track me down. So I turned around and went to her office. She also called me John. I knew then that this was a Sam – John conversation and had nothing to do with the command structure or functioning of Atlantis. Keller had already talked to her. I was Rodney's next-of-kin, but this was too big to hide.
She told me ... she told me I was relieved of duty. My only duty was to stay with Rodney and to bring him back. I hated her so much that day. But not as much as I hated myself. Because all I could think of was how I was feeling having a blank Rodney around me 24/7. It also meant I couldn't really be myself around us. Hell, we weren't an us. We couldn't do any of the us stuff because I wasn't that kind of bastard.
It would be Rodney having an extended vacation in – as far as he was concerned – my quarters. Eating, reading, showering and sleeping. How the hell was I supposed to convince him to sleep with me in the same bed without feeling like a pervert? I didn't want to take advantage of him. How could I even try to kiss Rodney if he didn't recognize me. Sam must have realized some of what I was feeling. She told me that she hoped the familiarity of the quarters and my constant presence would nudge something in Rodney's brain, unlocking the blocked pathways.
What could I do? I couldn't refuse the request even if it wasn't an order. I couldn't let Rodney down, if this was the only thing that would bring him back ... to me. I didn't care about the rest of the city. They'd had him for far too long. It was my turn to have him to myself. Or try.
I didn't even say goodbye to Sam as I left.
Day 0 minus 1
I spent the morning fixing up our quarters. I don't know what I was trying to prove. I just thought if Rodney saw something familiar (besides me and we already knew he didn't recognize me) he'd snap out of it and we could go back to being one big happy family. Okay, couple. The place was a mess and I had to realize all the stuff I'd brought out would just confuse him. So, I just left out a picture of Jeannie and one of the two of us with our arms around each other, celebrating our first night in the new quarters.
I walked over to the Infirmary when Keller told me I could liberate him. I could hear him having an animated conversation with Radek about the thing that had apparently zapped his brain. It was a box with a switch. A one-way switch. There was a set of headphones and that was it. Simple. Too fucking simple to reverse. But Rodney and Radek were trying. They were wondering if it didn't function on the principle of altering specific brain-waves in the amygdala.
The hell of the thing was, Rodney was actually enjoying his conversation with Radek. Rodney kept slipping in the odd word in Czech. Didn't surprise me because ... hey, smartest man in you know where. He hadn't insulted Radek even once. I thought about that and figured out that the insults had been an emotional veneer but thin enough not to counteract the intellectual rapport he had with the other scientist.
Someone he still recognized. Unlike me. I think I would have preferred to have been cocooned on a Hive ship rather than go in to spring Rodney.
Keller gently drew Radek away from Rodney's bed. Rodney called out to him, saying he was looking forward to continuing their discussion tomorrow.
Then, Keller approached me. I swallowed nervously.
"Take him home, John. He needs you."
Suddenly, I knew I was being faced with the biggest rescue mission of my life. Forget Afghanistan. Forget the Wraith. Hell, forget Atlantis. It was up to me to rescue Rodney.
I walked over to his bed. He was dressed and sitting on one side, looking like a small, lost boy. He heard my footsteps and glanced up, eager and fearful, those blue eyes looking more innocent than I'd ever seen them.
"Hey, Rodney."
I didn't expect the wave of despair that flowed through me when he said, "Colonel?" Keller must have told him who was picking him up, because I hadn't had the rank when we'd met. As if I even cared.
I had to keep reminding myself. Be gentle with him. He doesn't recognize you because he loves you. "Please, call me John."
Rodney nodded, too obediently. "Okay, John."
I tried to remain upbeat. "Ready to go?"
"If Dr. Keller thinks I'm ready to be released?"
Okay, this was enough. I wanted my Rodney, my Rodney, back; not this well-mannered, bowing-to-authority fake. "Yes, Rodney, you've been released into my care."
Rodney really looked confused. I figured he didn't understand why he – head of Sciences – was being released into the care of the head of the Military. I wasn't thrilled with having to explain it to him at all, let alone in front of the entire Infirmary staff.
Keller came up to Rodney, smiled and patted his arm. "John's your friend ... your best friend; he'll make sure you're okay."
Rodney blinked once at her and then looked straight into my eyes. I guess he figured I was trustworthy enough as he nodded his head gravely. I couldn't help but see him as a mock-serious four year old, doing the same thing.
I took his arm and gently led him out of the Infirmary. I didn't know if he even remembered the route to our new quarters but, since they were a part of me, I figured he'd get lost. I wasn't wrong. He kept wanting to go down the hall to his old quarters that had already been reassigned. I just kept steering him in the right direction until we arrived at the door.
I deactivated the door-lock and I let him walk in ahead of me. He stopped and stared at everything. His eyes widened in horror as he noticed the only bed. Luckily it was so wide that, if he felt like it (and I was sure he would), he could sleep at the far edge of it and not come in contact with my body.
"I hope you don't expect me to sleep in that," and he pointed dramatically at the bed, "With you." A little of the old Rodney surfaced for a second.
I took a big breath. I didn't think the room was big enough for me to suck all the air out of it to fuel my next line. "Rodney, it's our bed. These are our quarters. We live together. We're ... together." Crap. I sounded like twelve on the last word.
Okay, that got a reaction out of him, just not one I expected or wanted. "No ... what ... wait ... this is crazy, just crazy. I'm not gay - not that there's anything wrong with that, because, hello, Canadian here - and I don't even know you, whoever you are."
I thought he was going to bolt out of the room, so I sent the override command to Atlantis.
I had to calm Rodney down before he freaked out ... more.
"Rodney ... Rodney, look at me. I'm not going to hurt you. Here, why don't you go look at the things I've got on the table, see if you recognize any of them."
He calmed down and drew himself up. Okay, false bravado. I could deal with that.
"I don't know what you're trying to prove, Colonel." He saw the flash of hurt in my eyes and amended it. "Okay ... okay, John."
"Please, just look at the items." I followed him to the table, making sure I wasn't intruding on his personal space.
He looked with indifference at the degrees, but with no sense of mystery. It was the same thing with the journals. But, when he spied the photographs, he picked up the one of Jeannie. "Who's this, your sister?"
I sighed. This was so not going well. "No, Rodney, she's your younger sister, Jeannie. She lives in Vancouver."
He replaced the photograph with an impersonal thunk and then picked up the one of us with trembling fingers. "Is this for real or is it some sick joke for you?"
"It's very real, Rodney, and it's no joke. It never was. The photo was taken the night we moved into these quarters. We were celebrating."
Rodney picked up the framed photo and carried it over to the mirror. He compared his reflection to his image in the photo. "It wasn't that long ago, was it?"
I'd breathed out a sigh of relief. Rodney might not remember me, but at least he was coming close to believing me. Or it was merely scientific reasoning. My voice was just a broken, rasping echo. "No, not that long ago."
He kept staring at the mirror but not at himself. He looked straight back at me. I couldn't help it. I flinched and turned away.
"I'll show you where you keep your stuff. I'm sure you'd like to have a shower and change."
He cringed at the words, turning into a prickly, super prissy version of himself. I pressed the nails of my left hand into my palm to keep from showing him how much this was hurting me. He grabbed the first t-shirt and pair of pants he saw and almost ran into the bathroom. I heard the inner lock engage, something we had never done before. He was spooked.
I couldn"t really blame the guy, because here he was being confronted by his now-gay self (actually bisexual, but I wasn't about to confuse the guy any more than he already was). So it was like he was a virgin again, except this time without any lust or longing or love to tell him this was okay. That I was okay. Oh, great. Now I'm being the shrink.
He was in the bathroom for a very long time but at one point he called out to ask which toothbrush was his. I think the hot water had helped. But I still didn't know what to do with Rodney when he finally emerged from the bathroom. Not today. I figured he'd probably be hungry and I was being a coward when I suggested we go grab a bite. He knew he was hypoglycemic, so that wasn't a problem.
We barely talked on our way to the mess. This wasn't my Rodney. We would have been bantering back and forth about old TV shows and comic books and he'd still call me Kirk on occasion, even though he knew he didn't have any reason to be jealous of the way I seemed to charm people. Especially if it got us a good trade deal or out of trouble, usually the last one.
There was a big fuss when he reached the mess. I was pointing out the table that we usually shared with Ronon and Teyla but Rodney didn't even need the reminder; he headed straight for it. On the way, he stopped briefly to talk to a whole bunch of people ... people to whom he usually would not have given the time of day. You know, in the soft sciences or, even worse, the military.
I watched what happened carefully. When more than one person expressed relief that he seemed to be okay, I was stunned to see Rodney wave off their concern. He actually said this, "Oh, well, you know, accidents happen. New galaxy. But I'm back, so everything's okay."
Everything's okay? I couldn't stand hearing any more from the new-and-improved Rodney, so I made an abrupt turn and went to get food for both of us. I managed to snag the last blue jell-O. You know, familiar food. I carried both trays to our usual table. Rodney didn't even look up as I slid the tray in front of him. Thanks, buddy, for making me feel even more invisible. He finally recognized the tempting aromas, because he cut off talking abruptly and tore into the food. Well, that was interesting. His feelings towards food hadn't changed. Or that he really didn't have feelings for food. I suppose that, for him, it was just necessary fuel.
But that wasn't entirely correct. He looked up at me, puzzled, when he'd polished off the main course and side dishes. "Isn't blue a strange color for jell-O?"
I tried to control my feelings when I replied, with more patience than I thought I had, "It happens to be your favorite, Rodney."
He just looked at me, then picked up a small piece with his spoon before sliding it cautiously into his mouth. The look on his face ... well, it's a close second to what he looks like when he's coming. Fuck. So, I can see what he's missing (yeah, me too) only because he's apparently discovered blue jell-O for the second time. Now that's three things that Rodney really loves: blue jell-O, Jeannie and me. I couldn't watch any longer because you know how expressive Rodney's face is. So I focused on my food. I have no idea what I ate: it all tasted like cardboard.
Teyla asked Rodney if he would like to join Ronon and her after lunch. Considering the way he was enjoying himself with them, I fully expected him to accept. So I was shocked when Rodney looked at me shyly and said, "Actually, I was hoping John and I could walk along one of the piers. If ... if that's okay?"
I was so relieved. Okay, he might be freaking over the sleeping together thing but, at least during the day, he seemed fine with the idea of being alone with me. I smiled at him and replied, "Sure thing, buddy."
We said our goodbyes, at least until dinnertime, to Teyla and Ronon. Rodney was being so charming and attentive to Teyla that I actually had to grab him by the elbow and drag him away. Since when did Rodney go about being charming? With a beautiful woman? I thought that was my thing. After all, I didn't inherit the "Kirk" label without some provocation.
He turned quiet once again during our walk. Now, don't misunderstand me. I get that he has amnesia, but why did it have to include me and almost nobody or nothing else? Yes, I'm whining. I must have picked it up from old-Rodney. My Rodney.
I didn't know what to expect from him when we got out to the pier. We sat and stared at the water. For a really long time. Finally, Rodney turned to me with an odd look on his face. Uh-oh. "So, tell me, John, why are we together ... and don't talk about love. I can't deal with that right now, not when there's this big empty space in my head when I look at you. You're the head of the military and I'm the CSO. What could we possibly have in common?"
He wasn't trying to antagonize me, I could tell. But he wanted me to – what – give the Reader's Digest version of what we were over the last four years. I guess I had to try something ... anything. "Okay, you met me when I was a chopper pilot between McMurdo and the Antarctica base. One day, I was bringing O'Neill over and Carson Beckett – you remember him? - was in the chair. Remember when he accidentally released the drones?" I watched him nod twice; he seemed fascinated, as if he was seeing a 3D puzzle from a different angle. "Okay, well I managed to land the chopper and get us into the base. O'Neill went off, telling me not to touch anything. So I wandered around and ended up sitting in the chair and having it light up like a really big neat toy.
The next thing I knew, you were in my face, wearing that awful orange fleece, asking me to imagine where I was in the universe ... solar system ... whatever. Turned out I had a pretty hot ATA gene. I was a natural with it. So, after Daniel finished telling you about the gate address for Atlantis – and, no, I didn't know that until I'd agreed to come along – O'Neill did his best to challenge me to go to Atlantis, to go through the Stargate. I thought what the hell, my career was down the drain, so I tossed a coin and ended up here."
I stopped. I didn't want to go through four years, day by day, mission by mission, not to mention the black mark. "Anyway, I chose you to be on my team which you obviously don't remember, just Teyla and Ronon. After that, we started spending more time together, as a team and just the two of us. When it was just us, we challenged each other at chess, watched DVDs, played video games and just hung out. And we always had these geeky conversations about Batman and stuff. Oh ... and I'm pretty good at math which you seem to appreciate, even when you call me an idiot. We were best friends, Rodney."
Rodney had drawn up his knees and laid his head on them. He moved it sideways, so he could look over at me. "John, it's a big step from best friends to ... whatever we were. Sorry, are."
I took a big breath. This was going to be difficult. "Remember Katie Brown?" He nodded yes. Okay, I wasn't expecting this. That could only mean that he hadn't really loved her. "You showed me the ring before you went off to propose to her. I guess you wanted my approval or something. I was all torn up inside and didn't know why. But I still told you to go ahead, to go get the girl."
Rodney looked shocked. "You'd let me go ahead with it?"
"What else could I do? I was your best friend, but she was your girl. Until you showed me the ring, I hadn't realized that I had these ... these feelings for you. And when things between you and Katie fell apart, that's when I decided to stop being a wuss and ... well, you know." I waved my hand between the two of us.
All I got back from Rodney was a subdued "oh".
I continued to sit there, even though I wanted nothing more than to reach over and put my arms around him. But I couldn't do any of that. I couldn't even show basic affection. But I still had to remind him of the most important thing. "Rodney, I know you can't remember – but that's the most important thing about all of this. It means that you loved me from the moment you saw me. And, yes, it could have been because of the chair responding to me, but that doesn't matter. You loved me a long time before I realized I loved you. Even if you never said one word to me in all these years."
Finally, Rodney lifted his head from his knees and straightened his back. I winced in sympathy. He'd probably be feeling that by tonight. But would he accept a massage from me? He took a deep breath before speaking. "You know, John, if I felt that way, I was smart enough not to let anyone know, considering how idiotic your country's rules are about ... this sort of thing. But thank you for telling me. And looking after me."
I just nodded at him, my hands twitching by my sides.
Rodney spoke again. "I think I need to be alone for a while. To think about all of this. I'll come back before dinner."
I nodded, but had to stick my foot in it. "You know the way to our new quarters?"
He nodded. "Of course. I never forget anything."
I choked on my next breath of air and he realized too late what he'd said and looked horrified.
When I stopped coughing, I reached out and clasped his shoulder with my hand. I'm sorry, but I just had to touch him. "It's okay, buddy, I know what you meant."
Even though I walked away at a normal pace, I couldn't wait to get out of his sight. But, before I turned the corner of the pier, I looked back for a moment. He sat there, all alone, almost swallowed up by a sea of gray, surrounded by an ocean.
Well, I guess it was time for another run. Because not thinking was a very good thing. Again.
I managed to avoid every single transporter, taking flights of stairs in remote sections of the city. I didn't want to bump into anybody and, worse, have to talk with them about Rodney and his condition.
I was lucky that I lost myself for a few hours. By the time I got back to our quarters, Rodney was already there. He'd changed again; and I think he'd had another shower. He seemed to be comfortable enough, sitting up on our bed with a laptop.
"Hey, what's up, Rodney?"
He didn't appear to be uncomfortable when he raised his head from whatever he'd been working on. "Oh, this. Radek was kind enough to send me a hypothesis on what the Ancient machine did to my brain. It's good ... but I think he's missing something."
There it was again. That jarring niceness. My Rodney was not nice. But, hey, I couldn't begrudge him for stating his opinion honestly. "Oh, well, I'm sure you'll figure it out. You've always been there for us ... for me, so I wouldn't be surprised if you get the right answer before long."
He stared at me before shaking his head. "I suppose."
Tentative Rodney. Fucking universe, give me back my man. "Rodney, I've got faith in you. I know you'll figure it out. Anyway, listen, I'm just going to grab a shower and then we can get some dinner." I grabbed some clean clothes – and reminded myself that I'd have to remember every single time – because freaking Rodney out was not a good thing. Besides, what was the universe going to do? Give me a miraculous break by having Rodney take one look at my hairy body and his amnesia would just disappear. Right. Maybe in some other universe.
Luckily, I managed not to think in the shower. When I came back into the bedroom, Rodney had already closed his laptop and was sitting quietly on the bed. It's a good thing that the mess was our destination because quiet Rodney was just creeping me out. Well, at least we'd be in a crowd for dinner.
I thought it'd be easier, but I was wrong.
When we got into the mess, more and more people were coming up to talk to Rodney, as if he were the special on the menu. I actually had to drag him away to our regular table. And then I stomped off to get us both food, while he got into talking with Ronon. Yeah, Sam and Jen wanted me to take care of Rodney, so that's what I was doing. Carrying the trays back to the table, I nearly dropped them as I saw Rodney stand up and pull out Teyla's chair for her. Well, at least she looked amused, because she could have just ... well, you know Teyla and her views of quaint Earth customs.
Once again Rodney ignored the food I placed in front of him and ate until he got to the dessert. It was one of those purple flesh things about the size of a grapefruit. Rodney looked up at me and asked, "Not citrus, right?"
I was losing my patience and had to keep myself from spitting out, "Yes, Rodney, of course it's citrus. It's not enough that I've lost you emotionally, I may as well kill you now, get it over with." But, of course, I didn't. I just nodded and muttered, "It's safe."
Dinner took up a lot more time than I'd expected, because all of a sudden Rodney was the most popular guy in the mess. It was a while before we got out of there, since he insisted on stopping by at several tables and engaging in polite but attentive conversations. Finally, finally, I managed to get Chatty Cathy back to our quarters.
Even though I'd planned to ask him in advance, I was too pissed off, so – yes, in front of him – I just stripped off my uniform and crawled into bed in my boxers and t-shirt. I pointed to the other side of the bed. "That's the side you prefer. Good night, Rodney." And, yes, it was callous of me, but this whole babysitting thing was fucking with my head. And my heart.
As I dimmed the lights, I heard a still-quiet Rodney remove his clothes and felt the bed dip as he got under the covers. There was just a confused whisper, "Good night, John." After that, I heard nothing. I was so wrung out, I was dead to the world.
Continued in Part 2: "Rescuing Rodney"
AUTHOR: Helena K.
RATING: FRM-R (mild)
PAIRING: Rodney/John
DEDICATION: To McSheppers everywhere, all the time.
TOTAL WORD COUNT: 10,506 (split into two parts)
WARNING: Despite the despair, there is a happy ending.
SUMMARY: Rodney's not quite all there because of an accident with – what else – Ancient tech. John can't really do anything for him but wait. During the waiting comes the despair, writing and hoping.
TIMELINE: Anytime during S4, but definitely after Quarantine. AU because ... hello S5. And, yes, even though I know The Shrine was on a couple days ago and I used one line from it, I started writing this during S4, so I really wanted to finish this (especially in light of the proclamation). Also, originally, this was intended to be much longer and John was feeling much more angst to the extent that certain days in the Journal would have only had a one word entry. Yes, you guessed it: Fuck.
NOTE: "Speech"
All action outside of written text in John's Journal which is unbolded
Emphasis in John's Journal only
Emphasis in thought or speech, outside of the Journal
//Thought//
LANGUAGE CHOICE: As this is basically John's POV, I used American spelling.
DISCLAIMER: The characters belong to a whole bunch of alphabetical entities. I know the Polish alphabet. Not the same thing. Not for profit, just fun. Besides, I'm just an old geezer. Not the desired demographic. ::sneers at TPTB::
FEEDBACK: Makes me happy. Makes me giddy. Makes me silly (er, more silly). Makes me write more (well, my pain always tells the writing to go away, so you need to overwhelm its negativity; just saying...).
DISTRIBUTION: Posted to my LJ and
mckay_sheppard; anybody else, please ask.ARCHIVE: Wraithbait
John stared bleakly with bleary eyes at the blinking cursor on the screen, the heading mocking him, forcing him to remember the events of the last two, now three, days. He hated this, but knew he had to record what had transpired so that, if the unthinkable happened and Rodney was not returned to him whole, there would be a record of Rodney's condition. He hated that word. //Condition. Sounds like a mild case of jock itch.// Instead, it was something too devastating to consider.
He hated the fact that it was he who had to do this ... but there was no one closer to Rodney in this galaxy or back on Earth. Although John had never had much fondness for shrinks, he was relieved that one of Heightmeyer's decisions before her death was to insist that everyone had, if not a personal laptop for use unrelated to their work, at least access to a computer. So people could let off steam by writing, keeping a journal, or exchanging really awful jokes via private e-mail accounts. Password protected, with no hacking on the honor system. Amazingly enough, it worked because people felt so cut off from Earth and something that was such a normal Earth activity like this had given them a sense of nostalgia.
John had never been one for expressing his feelings but having a blank screen staring back at him was worlds away from allowing a trained professional to evaluate his responses. //Or lack of them.//
He sighed and began to write.
Day 0 minus 2
I don't know why this had to happen to us ... to Rodney, now. Things were finally good between us, after so many false starts. Don't ask me why it took us both nearly dying (again) to open our eyes to what we really meant to each other. Yeah, I know. Even the smartest man in two galaxies didn't get it at first, so why should I be any better.
It also helped that many of the other civilian and military personnel from all those other countries ganged up on Sam (don't even want to mention Woolsey who'd just about had a coronary) and said that it was idiotic (well, that wasn't exactly the word some of the more outspoken ones had used) to have personal restrictions apply to the U.S. military members of Atlantis.
Even the military was now being replaced by fresh stock from a few more countries. Good thing that Jack had been on our side (okay, neutral) when he'd just shrugged and said it was a joint operation technically under civilian rule, even though I'm not sure whose side Carter's on these days. And I'll say it again: glad I'm not in her shoes.
Would you believe that Rodney had nothing to do with it. Well, we all know that he's not the most team-minded player in the city. But the other Canadians (thanks, Chuck), the Brits and those from other countries who'd finally changed their countries' laws regarding same-sex relationships (not to mention the big M word) got the ball rolling.
The guys back home couldn't mount a working defense. We weren't in their face. Hell, we were in another galaxy! By the time we got home (even if we actually wanted to), things might have changed for the better anyway. Or else it would be a problem for a new administration. We didn't care as long as we could be together.
When I told Rodney we should get bigger quarters ... together, he got all shy on me. By then, so many other couples put in their bids and I told him if we didn't get our asses in gear there wouldn't be any left. Well, you know Rodney. He hates to miss out on getting something good that he feels he deserves over anyone else. Besides, he didn't feel so self-conscious when he saw some of the other couples who'd come out of the closet. No, I'm not mentioning any names but everybody knows who they are. And we got a new bed. A really, really big bed so my feet didn't stick out over the edge. I think Rodney arranged that. Because we'd gotten tired of being squished together whenever he ... stayed over.
Okay, I'm getting off track here. Back to two days ago. Rodney was in a new lab. You'd think we'd have already discovered all of them, but nooooo. I wish I'd been there, because I might have talked him out of testing the gizmo. None of his scientists tried hard enough. But I can't blame them. Much. I got there as soon as I was summoned. He was still lying on the floor, looking dazed. At least he was alive and conscious. But, when he looked up at me, he didn't even fucking recognize me. Nada.
I didn't have too much time to think about me when Keller showed up and her team whisked him off to the Infirmary. I followed them to the doors where access was denied. They told me they'd call me. He was alive and I didn't need to sit watch by his bed.
So I came back here and quietly went nuts. It didn't help, being surrounded by the best and worst of Rodney. His degrees, a couple of scientific journals, the DVD we were going to watch and the ... bed. Also his dirty socks pulled off the night before and tossed carelessly in the corner. I picked them up and sniffed them. All I could think of was Rodney, Rodney, Rodney.
I couldn't take it any more. I knew I wouldn't be welcome in the Infirmary, so I got out and went for a run. A very long run. I stopped as my radio came to life. It was Keller. She called me John. Not Colonel, but John. I turned around immediately and raced back, not caring that I was winded and dripping with sweat. She had some test results and I wasn't about to not see them just because I needed a shower.
When I got there, I could hear Rodney talking to some of the nurses. He didn't sound agitated, he actually sounded polite. He was addressing them by name, Marie for one, so it couldn't be that he'd suffered any permanent amnesia. Fuck, was I wrong about that!
Keller motioned me over before I could get to his bed. I was so impatient with her, but acknowledged her authority in the Infirmary.
"John." Damn it, she was still calling me John.
"John, I've taken some scans and there are some noticeably unusual results."
I nearly growled in my impatience. "And...."
"And he's suffered an unusual type of amnesia."
I couldn't get what she was talking about. He sounded fine to me. "Hey, doc, I hear him talking back there and he sounds okay to me."
Keller motioned for me to sit down. She did as well. "Please, John, let me explain. You've heard about various parts of the brain and their often specific functions?"
I was starting to get pissed off. "Yeah, doc. Get to the point."
Sorry I can't transcribe the rest of what she said, because it still doesn't make any sense to me, days later. It turns out that there was a partial amnesia – that part was true; but what was forgotten was anything Rodney had learned or anyone he'd met with an emotional connotation attached. Rodney was still the smartest man in two galaxies. He still knew all the science. Apparently he also recognized everybody he'd seen so far ... just not me.
I didn't know whether I should be flattered or crushed. Because, if he didn't remember me now, it meant that, from the first moment he'd seen me, he'd formed an emotional attachment to me. Keller told me he'd even recognized Sam, so he'd only pretended to be attracted to Sam. Fuck. The guy loved me and this was the way the universe screwed him – us - over.
Keller told me I could spend a few minutes with him, but I just couldn't. Couldn't stand to look at him with such pain in my eyes when I was a stranger in his. She said they'd keep him overnight for more observation. And then I fled.
I didn't get far. Sam was trying to track me down. So I turned around and went to her office. She also called me John. I knew then that this was a Sam – John conversation and had nothing to do with the command structure or functioning of Atlantis. Keller had already talked to her. I was Rodney's next-of-kin, but this was too big to hide.
She told me ... she told me I was relieved of duty. My only duty was to stay with Rodney and to bring him back. I hated her so much that day. But not as much as I hated myself. Because all I could think of was how I was feeling having a blank Rodney around me 24/7. It also meant I couldn't really be myself around us. Hell, we weren't an us. We couldn't do any of the us stuff because I wasn't that kind of bastard.
It would be Rodney having an extended vacation in – as far as he was concerned – my quarters. Eating, reading, showering and sleeping. How the hell was I supposed to convince him to sleep with me in the same bed without feeling like a pervert? I didn't want to take advantage of him. How could I even try to kiss Rodney if he didn't recognize me. Sam must have realized some of what I was feeling. She told me that she hoped the familiarity of the quarters and my constant presence would nudge something in Rodney's brain, unlocking the blocked pathways.
What could I do? I couldn't refuse the request even if it wasn't an order. I couldn't let Rodney down, if this was the only thing that would bring him back ... to me. I didn't care about the rest of the city. They'd had him for far too long. It was my turn to have him to myself. Or try.
I didn't even say goodbye to Sam as I left.
Day 0 minus 1
I spent the morning fixing up our quarters. I don't know what I was trying to prove. I just thought if Rodney saw something familiar (besides me and we already knew he didn't recognize me) he'd snap out of it and we could go back to being one big happy family. Okay, couple. The place was a mess and I had to realize all the stuff I'd brought out would just confuse him. So, I just left out a picture of Jeannie and one of the two of us with our arms around each other, celebrating our first night in the new quarters.
I walked over to the Infirmary when Keller told me I could liberate him. I could hear him having an animated conversation with Radek about the thing that had apparently zapped his brain. It was a box with a switch. A one-way switch. There was a set of headphones and that was it. Simple. Too fucking simple to reverse. But Rodney and Radek were trying. They were wondering if it didn't function on the principle of altering specific brain-waves in the amygdala.
The hell of the thing was, Rodney was actually enjoying his conversation with Radek. Rodney kept slipping in the odd word in Czech. Didn't surprise me because ... hey, smartest man in you know where. He hadn't insulted Radek even once. I thought about that and figured out that the insults had been an emotional veneer but thin enough not to counteract the intellectual rapport he had with the other scientist.
Someone he still recognized. Unlike me. I think I would have preferred to have been cocooned on a Hive ship rather than go in to spring Rodney.
Keller gently drew Radek away from Rodney's bed. Rodney called out to him, saying he was looking forward to continuing their discussion tomorrow.
Then, Keller approached me. I swallowed nervously.
"Take him home, John. He needs you."
Suddenly, I knew I was being faced with the biggest rescue mission of my life. Forget Afghanistan. Forget the Wraith. Hell, forget Atlantis. It was up to me to rescue Rodney.
I walked over to his bed. He was dressed and sitting on one side, looking like a small, lost boy. He heard my footsteps and glanced up, eager and fearful, those blue eyes looking more innocent than I'd ever seen them.
"Hey, Rodney."
I didn't expect the wave of despair that flowed through me when he said, "Colonel?" Keller must have told him who was picking him up, because I hadn't had the rank when we'd met. As if I even cared.
I had to keep reminding myself. Be gentle with him. He doesn't recognize you because he loves you. "Please, call me John."
Rodney nodded, too obediently. "Okay, John."
I tried to remain upbeat. "Ready to go?"
"If Dr. Keller thinks I'm ready to be released?"
Okay, this was enough. I wanted my Rodney, my Rodney, back; not this well-mannered, bowing-to-authority fake. "Yes, Rodney, you've been released into my care."
Rodney really looked confused. I figured he didn't understand why he – head of Sciences – was being released into the care of the head of the Military. I wasn't thrilled with having to explain it to him at all, let alone in front of the entire Infirmary staff.
Keller came up to Rodney, smiled and patted his arm. "John's your friend ... your best friend; he'll make sure you're okay."
Rodney blinked once at her and then looked straight into my eyes. I guess he figured I was trustworthy enough as he nodded his head gravely. I couldn't help but see him as a mock-serious four year old, doing the same thing.
I took his arm and gently led him out of the Infirmary. I didn't know if he even remembered the route to our new quarters but, since they were a part of me, I figured he'd get lost. I wasn't wrong. He kept wanting to go down the hall to his old quarters that had already been reassigned. I just kept steering him in the right direction until we arrived at the door.
I deactivated the door-lock and I let him walk in ahead of me. He stopped and stared at everything. His eyes widened in horror as he noticed the only bed. Luckily it was so wide that, if he felt like it (and I was sure he would), he could sleep at the far edge of it and not come in contact with my body.
"I hope you don't expect me to sleep in that," and he pointed dramatically at the bed, "With you." A little of the old Rodney surfaced for a second.
I took a big breath. I didn't think the room was big enough for me to suck all the air out of it to fuel my next line. "Rodney, it's our bed. These are our quarters. We live together. We're ... together." Crap. I sounded like twelve on the last word.
Okay, that got a reaction out of him, just not one I expected or wanted. "No ... what ... wait ... this is crazy, just crazy. I'm not gay - not that there's anything wrong with that, because, hello, Canadian here - and I don't even know you, whoever you are."
I thought he was going to bolt out of the room, so I sent the override command to Atlantis.
I had to calm Rodney down before he freaked out ... more.
"Rodney ... Rodney, look at me. I'm not going to hurt you. Here, why don't you go look at the things I've got on the table, see if you recognize any of them."
He calmed down and drew himself up. Okay, false bravado. I could deal with that.
"I don't know what you're trying to prove, Colonel." He saw the flash of hurt in my eyes and amended it. "Okay ... okay, John."
"Please, just look at the items." I followed him to the table, making sure I wasn't intruding on his personal space.
He looked with indifference at the degrees, but with no sense of mystery. It was the same thing with the journals. But, when he spied the photographs, he picked up the one of Jeannie. "Who's this, your sister?"
I sighed. This was so not going well. "No, Rodney, she's your younger sister, Jeannie. She lives in Vancouver."
He replaced the photograph with an impersonal thunk and then picked up the one of us with trembling fingers. "Is this for real or is it some sick joke for you?"
"It's very real, Rodney, and it's no joke. It never was. The photo was taken the night we moved into these quarters. We were celebrating."
Rodney picked up the framed photo and carried it over to the mirror. He compared his reflection to his image in the photo. "It wasn't that long ago, was it?"
I'd breathed out a sigh of relief. Rodney might not remember me, but at least he was coming close to believing me. Or it was merely scientific reasoning. My voice was just a broken, rasping echo. "No, not that long ago."
He kept staring at the mirror but not at himself. He looked straight back at me. I couldn't help it. I flinched and turned away.
"I'll show you where you keep your stuff. I'm sure you'd like to have a shower and change."
He cringed at the words, turning into a prickly, super prissy version of himself. I pressed the nails of my left hand into my palm to keep from showing him how much this was hurting me. He grabbed the first t-shirt and pair of pants he saw and almost ran into the bathroom. I heard the inner lock engage, something we had never done before. He was spooked.
I couldn"t really blame the guy, because here he was being confronted by his now-gay self (actually bisexual, but I wasn't about to confuse the guy any more than he already was). So it was like he was a virgin again, except this time without any lust or longing or love to tell him this was okay. That I was okay. Oh, great. Now I'm being the shrink.
He was in the bathroom for a very long time but at one point he called out to ask which toothbrush was his. I think the hot water had helped. But I still didn't know what to do with Rodney when he finally emerged from the bathroom. Not today. I figured he'd probably be hungry and I was being a coward when I suggested we go grab a bite. He knew he was hypoglycemic, so that wasn't a problem.
We barely talked on our way to the mess. This wasn't my Rodney. We would have been bantering back and forth about old TV shows and comic books and he'd still call me Kirk on occasion, even though he knew he didn't have any reason to be jealous of the way I seemed to charm people. Especially if it got us a good trade deal or out of trouble, usually the last one.
There was a big fuss when he reached the mess. I was pointing out the table that we usually shared with Ronon and Teyla but Rodney didn't even need the reminder; he headed straight for it. On the way, he stopped briefly to talk to a whole bunch of people ... people to whom he usually would not have given the time of day. You know, in the soft sciences or, even worse, the military.
I watched what happened carefully. When more than one person expressed relief that he seemed to be okay, I was stunned to see Rodney wave off their concern. He actually said this, "Oh, well, you know, accidents happen. New galaxy. But I'm back, so everything's okay."
Everything's okay? I couldn't stand hearing any more from the new-and-improved Rodney, so I made an abrupt turn and went to get food for both of us. I managed to snag the last blue jell-O. You know, familiar food. I carried both trays to our usual table. Rodney didn't even look up as I slid the tray in front of him. Thanks, buddy, for making me feel even more invisible. He finally recognized the tempting aromas, because he cut off talking abruptly and tore into the food. Well, that was interesting. His feelings towards food hadn't changed. Or that he really didn't have feelings for food. I suppose that, for him, it was just necessary fuel.
But that wasn't entirely correct. He looked up at me, puzzled, when he'd polished off the main course and side dishes. "Isn't blue a strange color for jell-O?"
I tried to control my feelings when I replied, with more patience than I thought I had, "It happens to be your favorite, Rodney."
He just looked at me, then picked up a small piece with his spoon before sliding it cautiously into his mouth. The look on his face ... well, it's a close second to what he looks like when he's coming. Fuck. So, I can see what he's missing (yeah, me too) only because he's apparently discovered blue jell-O for the second time. Now that's three things that Rodney really loves: blue jell-O, Jeannie and me. I couldn't watch any longer because you know how expressive Rodney's face is. So I focused on my food. I have no idea what I ate: it all tasted like cardboard.
Teyla asked Rodney if he would like to join Ronon and her after lunch. Considering the way he was enjoying himself with them, I fully expected him to accept. So I was shocked when Rodney looked at me shyly and said, "Actually, I was hoping John and I could walk along one of the piers. If ... if that's okay?"
I was so relieved. Okay, he might be freaking over the sleeping together thing but, at least during the day, he seemed fine with the idea of being alone with me. I smiled at him and replied, "Sure thing, buddy."
We said our goodbyes, at least until dinnertime, to Teyla and Ronon. Rodney was being so charming and attentive to Teyla that I actually had to grab him by the elbow and drag him away. Since when did Rodney go about being charming? With a beautiful woman? I thought that was my thing. After all, I didn't inherit the "Kirk" label without some provocation.
He turned quiet once again during our walk. Now, don't misunderstand me. I get that he has amnesia, but why did it have to include me and almost nobody or nothing else? Yes, I'm whining. I must have picked it up from old-Rodney. My Rodney.
I didn't know what to expect from him when we got out to the pier. We sat and stared at the water. For a really long time. Finally, Rodney turned to me with an odd look on his face. Uh-oh. "So, tell me, John, why are we together ... and don't talk about love. I can't deal with that right now, not when there's this big empty space in my head when I look at you. You're the head of the military and I'm the CSO. What could we possibly have in common?"
He wasn't trying to antagonize me, I could tell. But he wanted me to – what – give the Reader's Digest version of what we were over the last four years. I guess I had to try something ... anything. "Okay, you met me when I was a chopper pilot between McMurdo and the Antarctica base. One day, I was bringing O'Neill over and Carson Beckett – you remember him? - was in the chair. Remember when he accidentally released the drones?" I watched him nod twice; he seemed fascinated, as if he was seeing a 3D puzzle from a different angle. "Okay, well I managed to land the chopper and get us into the base. O'Neill went off, telling me not to touch anything. So I wandered around and ended up sitting in the chair and having it light up like a really big neat toy.
The next thing I knew, you were in my face, wearing that awful orange fleece, asking me to imagine where I was in the universe ... solar system ... whatever. Turned out I had a pretty hot ATA gene. I was a natural with it. So, after Daniel finished telling you about the gate address for Atlantis – and, no, I didn't know that until I'd agreed to come along – O'Neill did his best to challenge me to go to Atlantis, to go through the Stargate. I thought what the hell, my career was down the drain, so I tossed a coin and ended up here."
I stopped. I didn't want to go through four years, day by day, mission by mission, not to mention the black mark. "Anyway, I chose you to be on my team which you obviously don't remember, just Teyla and Ronon. After that, we started spending more time together, as a team and just the two of us. When it was just us, we challenged each other at chess, watched DVDs, played video games and just hung out. And we always had these geeky conversations about Batman and stuff. Oh ... and I'm pretty good at math which you seem to appreciate, even when you call me an idiot. We were best friends, Rodney."
Rodney had drawn up his knees and laid his head on them. He moved it sideways, so he could look over at me. "John, it's a big step from best friends to ... whatever we were. Sorry, are."
I took a big breath. This was going to be difficult. "Remember Katie Brown?" He nodded yes. Okay, I wasn't expecting this. That could only mean that he hadn't really loved her. "You showed me the ring before you went off to propose to her. I guess you wanted my approval or something. I was all torn up inside and didn't know why. But I still told you to go ahead, to go get the girl."
Rodney looked shocked. "You'd let me go ahead with it?"
"What else could I do? I was your best friend, but she was your girl. Until you showed me the ring, I hadn't realized that I had these ... these feelings for you. And when things between you and Katie fell apart, that's when I decided to stop being a wuss and ... well, you know." I waved my hand between the two of us.
All I got back from Rodney was a subdued "oh".
I continued to sit there, even though I wanted nothing more than to reach over and put my arms around him. But I couldn't do any of that. I couldn't even show basic affection. But I still had to remind him of the most important thing. "Rodney, I know you can't remember – but that's the most important thing about all of this. It means that you loved me from the moment you saw me. And, yes, it could have been because of the chair responding to me, but that doesn't matter. You loved me a long time before I realized I loved you. Even if you never said one word to me in all these years."
Finally, Rodney lifted his head from his knees and straightened his back. I winced in sympathy. He'd probably be feeling that by tonight. But would he accept a massage from me? He took a deep breath before speaking. "You know, John, if I felt that way, I was smart enough not to let anyone know, considering how idiotic your country's rules are about ... this sort of thing. But thank you for telling me. And looking after me."
I just nodded at him, my hands twitching by my sides.
Rodney spoke again. "I think I need to be alone for a while. To think about all of this. I'll come back before dinner."
I nodded, but had to stick my foot in it. "You know the way to our new quarters?"
He nodded. "Of course. I never forget anything."
I choked on my next breath of air and he realized too late what he'd said and looked horrified.
When I stopped coughing, I reached out and clasped his shoulder with my hand. I'm sorry, but I just had to touch him. "It's okay, buddy, I know what you meant."
Even though I walked away at a normal pace, I couldn't wait to get out of his sight. But, before I turned the corner of the pier, I looked back for a moment. He sat there, all alone, almost swallowed up by a sea of gray, surrounded by an ocean.
Well, I guess it was time for another run. Because not thinking was a very good thing. Again.
I managed to avoid every single transporter, taking flights of stairs in remote sections of the city. I didn't want to bump into anybody and, worse, have to talk with them about Rodney and his condition.
I was lucky that I lost myself for a few hours. By the time I got back to our quarters, Rodney was already there. He'd changed again; and I think he'd had another shower. He seemed to be comfortable enough, sitting up on our bed with a laptop.
"Hey, what's up, Rodney?"
He didn't appear to be uncomfortable when he raised his head from whatever he'd been working on. "Oh, this. Radek was kind enough to send me a hypothesis on what the Ancient machine did to my brain. It's good ... but I think he's missing something."
There it was again. That jarring niceness. My Rodney was not nice. But, hey, I couldn't begrudge him for stating his opinion honestly. "Oh, well, I'm sure you'll figure it out. You've always been there for us ... for me, so I wouldn't be surprised if you get the right answer before long."
He stared at me before shaking his head. "I suppose."
Tentative Rodney. Fucking universe, give me back my man. "Rodney, I've got faith in you. I know you'll figure it out. Anyway, listen, I'm just going to grab a shower and then we can get some dinner." I grabbed some clean clothes – and reminded myself that I'd have to remember every single time – because freaking Rodney out was not a good thing. Besides, what was the universe going to do? Give me a miraculous break by having Rodney take one look at my hairy body and his amnesia would just disappear. Right. Maybe in some other universe.
Luckily, I managed not to think in the shower. When I came back into the bedroom, Rodney had already closed his laptop and was sitting quietly on the bed. It's a good thing that the mess was our destination because quiet Rodney was just creeping me out. Well, at least we'd be in a crowd for dinner.
I thought it'd be easier, but I was wrong.
When we got into the mess, more and more people were coming up to talk to Rodney, as if he were the special on the menu. I actually had to drag him away to our regular table. And then I stomped off to get us both food, while he got into talking with Ronon. Yeah, Sam and Jen wanted me to take care of Rodney, so that's what I was doing. Carrying the trays back to the table, I nearly dropped them as I saw Rodney stand up and pull out Teyla's chair for her. Well, at least she looked amused, because she could have just ... well, you know Teyla and her views of quaint Earth customs.
Once again Rodney ignored the food I placed in front of him and ate until he got to the dessert. It was one of those purple flesh things about the size of a grapefruit. Rodney looked up at me and asked, "Not citrus, right?"
I was losing my patience and had to keep myself from spitting out, "Yes, Rodney, of course it's citrus. It's not enough that I've lost you emotionally, I may as well kill you now, get it over with." But, of course, I didn't. I just nodded and muttered, "It's safe."
Dinner took up a lot more time than I'd expected, because all of a sudden Rodney was the most popular guy in the mess. It was a while before we got out of there, since he insisted on stopping by at several tables and engaging in polite but attentive conversations. Finally, finally, I managed to get Chatty Cathy back to our quarters.
Even though I'd planned to ask him in advance, I was too pissed off, so – yes, in front of him – I just stripped off my uniform and crawled into bed in my boxers and t-shirt. I pointed to the other side of the bed. "That's the side you prefer. Good night, Rodney." And, yes, it was callous of me, but this whole babysitting thing was fucking with my head. And my heart.
As I dimmed the lights, I heard a still-quiet Rodney remove his clothes and felt the bed dip as he got under the covers. There was just a confused whisper, "Good night, John." After that, I heard nothing. I was so wrung out, I was dead to the world.
Continued in Part 2: "Rescuing Rodney"
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